[A little Hunger Game's reference is going to be made so if you haven't read the last book, Mockingjay, and don't want to know what happens in it yet, don't read this]

I was thinking about how Peeta went crazy. They drugged him and tampered with his memories and he became unable to tell which was real and which was unreal.  The unreal memories, however, seemed strange, with the shininess about it. And he started to be able to distinguish between the two, because the real ones were not shiny and fancied up, but still questioned which was real and which was not. 

I feel quite similarly to Peeta right now. I can't quite tell what's a lie and what's real. And there seems to be something odd about everything that isn't real; my gut tells me that I'm being lied to and to find out the truth, but no matter how hard I dig I can't seem to pull up enough proof to make a case for it truly being a lie. I can distinguish between the two and I can tell when something isn't real, but how do I know for sure? Who can I trust? 

The thing about it, is lying is the worst form of torture. You take a simplistic truth and turn it into something ugly. And either we never find out, living blissfully oblivious to how messed up you really are, or we find out and become shattered and insane trying to figure out what else you have lied about. Lying makes us distrust everything. And then when we start to distrust everything, we find ourselves questioning truths, trying to turn them into lies just like the others.  We can never believe anymore. Lying births insanity.

And you see, I feel a little bit like Peeta. Because I can't quite make truth out of anything and I've been taught that everything is a manipulative lie. So here I find myself asking... Real or not real?

My uncle lost his battle with cancer tonight. 

Flashback three hours ago, my little brother called me and told me to get on ooVoo because everyone was on it right now, being with my uncle in his last hours. At 9 am this morning, they gave him six to twelve hours to live. So at 8:52 pm, when my brother was calling, I knew time was running out. I told him I didn't have ooVoo, excuse #1, and he told me it was easy to get and I should consider it. I could see how it wasn't so stressful after all, and I could be there with my family, figuratively speaking of course, while they pray for him. But I hung up the phone, set on not getting an ooVoo.

Three minutes later, my dad sent me a text with a link to get ooVoo on my phone, quick and easy, to take part in it. Instead of clicking the link, I chose to call my best friend and explain to him exactly why I couldn't do that. Excuses #2, #3, and #4... I have things to do, like homework and getting ready for work, at what point do you hang up from that conversation - when he is passed on, before he has passed on, when everyone is crying, when I get tired? -, and finally, what happens when he passes on because then reality sets in that I am only on ooVoo and am still, in fact, alone. 

I proceeded to hang up the phone, after listening to my best friend tell me I could handle it in whatever way I needed to. But even then I knew I was acting cowardly. When he suggested I explained to my family about how I was feeling and why I didn't want to partake in this ooVoo session, I found myself defending their side. "You're going to put homework in front of your dying uncle? You can't just download ooVoo to be with the family?" etc. 

In the face of death, I was nothing but a selfish, coward. I sat by myself, praying, not facing what I should have to help me and my family. 
And now, it has been one hour since he passed away. And I am alone in my apartment, wishing desperately that I had gotten on ooVoo to see him one last time, to be with my family, and to pray alongside them. I have so many regrets...

Rest in peace, Uncle Mario. You are so loved, by me and the rest of our family. I'm sorry for how I acted, and I hope you are watching over us now and able to see how sorry I am. I hope you can forgive me. And I hope heaven is already treating you well. I hope you are free of the pain you felt here with us, and I hope I get to see you again one day. I am so sorry, I love you so much. And I miss you already. Your memories are a blessing.  

"I can tell you a lot about her. She's someone with a huge heart. She will bend over backwards and fold herself in half helping out someone if she can do anything. Her loyalty to the ones that mean something to her is unheard of nowadays. She smiles like she's never been hurt, and if you didn't know her you wouldn't ever imagine her to ever be hurt. But it happens, a lot more than anyone realizes. She's really fragile and it takes very little for her to get hurt, she takes everything to heart. I'm not suprised you don't know a lot though, because she's really cautious and letting someone close to her is a rare thing to happen. There are demons inside her she's constantly in a fight with. And she's a lot worse to herself than anything else that could be said to her. Her past is not one of her favorite subjects. She wouldn't expect anyone to notice her or to listen to the things she has to say that aren't necessary to be said. But I'm telling you, she's so worth it all, she's nothing you'd ever expect and you'll feel alive in a way you never have with her in your life."

Credit: @norabelle4